Talking about sex can be challenging for some people, even with partners they trust. Sex is an incredibly personal and intimate act, and people are often ashamed or afraid of acknowledging their true desires. You may have trouble voicing, or even acknowledging your true sexual desires, especially if those desires are traditionally deemed taboo or inappropriate. However, the only way to enjoy a fulfilling sexual experience is to understand, acknowledge, and speak about your sexual desires, regardless of how taboo they might seem.
Regardless of your fears, you deserve to share your desires and expectations openly
If you feel like your sexual fantasies and desires are “abnormal” or “wrong,” you may avoid discussing them for fear of shape or censure. You want not want to expose that part of yourself to your partner. And you might even question what those desires say about you. But regardless of your fears, you deserve to share your desires and expectations openly. But how can you talk about sexual taboos with your partner? How can you broach the subject with your partner? That’s what we discuss in this article.
1. Understand that all sexual desires and fantasies are completely normal and ordinary
Each society has its internal standards for practices deemed “normal” or “correct.” Living in a hetero-patriarchal society, the standards for “normal” sex generally include procreative vaginal sex between male-female partners. Within this strict binary, acts like anal sex, oral sex, and queer sex may be deemed “abnormal.” However, thanks to recent changes in society, we now realize that anal sex, oral sex, and queer sex are perfectly valid forms of sexual experience. While the taboos related to these subjects haven’t broken down completely, they’re not as strongly reinforced as they once were.
However, even within our relatively sexually liberated times, some sexual practices or fantasies may still be deemed “abnormal,” such as BDSM, leather, and more. You may even feel self-conscious about these fantasies because of what they might say about you. But it’s important to realize and acknowledge that all sexual fantasies are completely valid as long as they’re approached in a safe and consensual environment. Once you understand that your sexual desires and fantasies are valid, you can talk about them with your partner.
2. Take the time to understand your sexual fantasies and whether/ how you want to act on them
It’s important to understand that not all sexual fantasies must be acted upon. Sometimes, we have sexual fantasies that might turn us on, but they don’t necessarily demand immediate action. You should take the time to understand if, when, and how you want to act on your sexual fantasies. And even when you’ve decided to act on them, talk it through with your partner and share your feelings. It’s important to set clear boundaries and potential safe words. This allows you to explore your desires in a safe and loving environment.
After exploring the sexual fantasy, you might find that the desire is purged away, and you’re no longer interested in it.
If you’re uncertain whether you want to act on your sexual fantasy, you can also explore it as a trial. Discuss the parameters of your sexual fantasy with your partner, sex clear boundaries and goals, and explore the fantasy according to your comfort. After exploring the sexual fantasy, you might find that the desire is purged away, and you’re no longer interested in it. Alternatively, you may also find that it’s something you want to do regularly. In either case, you’ll be armed with self-knowledge and a better understanding of what you want.
3. Your partner may have their reservations, and that’s completely alright
While you have the right to explore your sexual desires and fantasies, your partner doesn’t necessarily have to engage in those fantasies. You must respect that your partner may not be interested in the same sexual fantasy. Talk to your partner and let them know that they’re not under any obligation to entertain your sexual fantasy. If they’re excited about exploring your fantasy, that’s good for both of you. But if they’re not interested, you have to be okay with that.
If you feel like you need to explore your sexual fantasies, with or without your partner, you can also make that a part of your conversation. Depending on the nature of your relationship, you can broach the subject of exploring the fantasy with a third individual. However, that’s a conversation you must have with your partner. The best way to ensure both you and your partner are fulfilled is to communicate openly with mutual respect and understanding.
4. Prepare yourself for potentially negative reactions
As mentioned above, your partner may not necessarily be interested in your sexual fantasy or desires. In fact, your partner may also express negative reactions, such as fear, anxiety, shame, or even disgust or anger. In some cases, your partner may be turned off by the idea of your sexual fantasy, but they may still love and appreciate you. That’s completely alright — we don’t always have the right reactions to new ideas. However, regardless of the nature of their reaction, you must remember that your sexual desires are completely valid and normal.
Don’t let your partner’s reactions affect the way you perceive your sexuality. In the end, it’s always better to live honestly and communicate your desires openly than to keep them concealed.
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