Unfortunately, the human body isn’t a machine you can simply turn on with a button. Even when you’re ready to have sex, it takes time for your body to get turned on, i.e., to raise your temperature. When people fail to get turned on instantly, they often think there’s something wrong with them. This assumption is primarily because mainstream film and TV make it seem like desire is spontaneous, and it’s bolstered by people’s general tendency to exaggerate their sexual experience in ordinary conversations.
However, in actuality, spontaneous desire is rare, and most people need to make a concerted effort to raise the temperature. While spontaneous desire is possible, especially at the start of relationships, it’s perfectly natural to eventually need physical and mental stimuli to get each other turned on. Media representations pain planned or scheduled sex as antithetical to fun, but having planned sex can often be better than spontaneous sex. Especially since it gives you time to prepare yourself, put on some good clothes, douche if anal is on the menu and more.
This article provides tips on how you can organically raise the temperature.
Start with something relaxing.
As with most things, you need to relax if you want to enjoy it. If you’re approaching sex after a busy day of work, you need to make a concerted effort to get work off your mind. If not, you’re likely to have your mind elsewhere during sex, which inevitably leads to a bad sexual experience. You need to unwind and relax before getting amped up for sex. Relaxation helps lower anxiety, and you can do it by taking a long hot bath, reading a book, drinking some herbal tea, or just doing something that works for you.
Watch something sexually stimulating.
One of the simplest means of raising the temperature is to read or watch something sexually stimulating. You can watch something exciting on your own or watch something sexually stimulating with your partner. Some people also prefer erotica or steamy romance novels, while others prefer straight-up pornography. You can also watch porn depicting specific sexual fantasies you’d like to try.
Watching porn allows you and your partner to get in the mood while also indicating what you’d like to try. Once the temperature has been sufficiently raised, you can either enact what you see onscreen (with the understanding that porn is rarely realistic, and you must always ensure your partner’s comfort), or you can flip the TV off and focus entirely on each other.
Candles, sexy music, and a striptease.
If you truly want to amp up the mood, you can go all out with candles, sexy music, and a striptease. Scented candles light up the room, set an atmosphere, and diffuse the air with scented aromas to get you in the mood. Candlelight is also incredibly flattering, so you’re sure to look your best while having sex under candlelight rather than bright lights.
We all have specific songs that move us either emotionally or sexually. If you want to raise the temperature, it’s always a good idea to put on some tunes you and your partner(s) enjoy. If you’re feeling particularly confident, you can even dim the lights and do a striptease, slowly taking off layers of clothes. And if that’s not you, an extended make-out session may work wonders.
You can also engage in some skin-on-skin contact or dry humping. There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of two bodies desiring each other at various stages of undress, separated just by a thin piece of fabric. If you truly want to raise the temperature, find a mutual rhythm to grind against each other, excite each other sexually without explicit genital contact.
Massage with essential oils.
There’s nothing quite like a sensual massage to get you and your partner in the mood. Once you light the candles, you can retrieve body oils and give your partner a massage. Start at your partner’s feet and work your way up, slowly making your way through the sensual pressure points on their body. Focus on your partner’s breath and moans to guide your movements.
The human body is also full of erogenous zones, i.e., areas that generate sexual excitement. While most people focus on the genitals as the site of sexual excitement, you can extend the foreplay by exploring other erogenous zones, such as the underarms, thighs, nipples, and feet. Try kissing, licking, or nibbling on different parts until you find the sensation that works best.
Bring the sex toys out to play.
Once you’ve explored your partner’s erogenous zones, you can whip out a sex toy to further amplify the excitement. Sex toys come in various forms, such as dildos, vibrators, eggs, cock rings, clitoris suckers, and more. Each sex toy serves a different purpose — find the sex toys that work for you, and don’t feel shy about experimenting with different sex toys.
One of the best sex toys to raise the temperature is a clitoral suction vibrator, such as Biird’s Obii. It’s a small device that uses air pressure to generate deep, resonant vibrations and deliver sonic pulses into the body. You can use this device all over your partner’s body to get them excited, and when the time comes, it can also be used to excite your (or your partner’s) clitoris.
Be respectful and maintain open communication.
You (or your partner) may have several reasons, personal, medical, or psychological, for not responding to sexual stimuli. The human body is complex, and an individual may be unresponsive to sexual feelings for numerous reasons that may even be unknown to them.
If none of the methods mentioned above work for you, be kind to yourself and remember that you can always try later. If they don’t work for your partner, be respectful and ask them what they’d prefer. If necessary, you can even talk to a sex therapist or expert to get the root cause of your concerns.